Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I’M CRYINGGG
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready