Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.