Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

A Monday every week is excessive

Poetry is my passion

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

HELP 😭

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket