Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Mistakes were made
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists