Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Ferrari squats
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.