Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
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“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
forgive me baja for i have blast
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna