Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

ㅤ

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Current mood: Potato

I cannot stop laughing at this

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.