“Why would I pee into the toilet when there’s a perfectly good floor and wall right next to it?”
– My sons, probably
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Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
when she block me on everything
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…