Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.