Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.