Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
You Might Also Like
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
#inspiration #foodforthought
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
get you a girl who
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
The Weeknd is back
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”