Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

A customer told me they were never coming back….

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.