Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
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DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
