Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
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In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
it’s the silliest best thing
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I’m tired tomorrow.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem