Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
You Might Also Like
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.