Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

jesus, what did this guy do

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.