Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
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Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?