Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
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if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*