Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Thursday

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time