Why would I want to fund a crowd?
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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.