Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

me adding lol on a serious message

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet