Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

Harsh but fair

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.