Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
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STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Comparing yourself to others
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.