why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
![]()
You Might Also Like
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
![]()
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
![]()
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.