Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You Might Also Like
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
“What?”
– Jude
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.