Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
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When news reporters do sports stories
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
when dads have a rap battle
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Cop lights are so pretty at night
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
new shirt idea
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text