Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
