Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date