why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great