why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
You Might Also Like
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight