Why would they add “twerk” to the dictionary? People that would use said word can’t read.

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Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.


Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.


Walked by a group of dad at a barbecue and now I’m an expert on property taxes


People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.


“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers


What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms


assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone


No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.


I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!