Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
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You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Siri, fight Alexa.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”