why would tinder want me to say this
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me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
When they try to steal your moment.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra