Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

That’s classic.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century