Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
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BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.