Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
You Might Also Like
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
This one’s “Alex”.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow