Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.