Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
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Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I don’t think my car can fly
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
ok like just. call me at this point
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.