WHY would you be happy about this?
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario
My driving instructor: no worries brother
