WHY would you be happy about this?
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Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”