The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Tremendous stuff