“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
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[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing