“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!