Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Thank you corporation very cool
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
This line from Airplane.
