Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
can you read it!!??
maan!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
