Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.


sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.


Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would’ve handed me a mop then beat me with a belt


[dermatologist office]

*Gets mole removed*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.


4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”


I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.


me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom


I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.


My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.