@new_waster

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@SaddestTiger

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

@robfee

Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would’ve handed me a mop then beat me with a belt

@bngzyface

[dermatologist office]

*Gets mole removed*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

@zoevsuniverse

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

@TequilaTears

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

@aligarchy

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

@noog

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

@mrjohntofu

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.