Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Me buying fruit and veg

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”