“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.