Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

👍

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Well, that didn’t work.