Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows