Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig