“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
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This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
my favorite genre of twitter
