“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
You Might Also Like
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes