“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
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Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
(Musicians.)
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My apathy is at an all time whatever.