Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…