Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”