Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
A little too much information.
Beauty and the Beast
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Never forget.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.