Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
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My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
We’ve all been there
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
The chart results are in…