Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
If you breakdance you buy dance.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows