Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.