Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic