Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
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doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.