Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?