Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.