Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Pass gas, not judgment.

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

The first one, obviously

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…