Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I missed you with all my darts
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
no one likes gloating
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business