Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?