why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death