why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP