Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

Unmatched

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

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