Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

Gemma Correll

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

My favorite sport ? Lasagna