Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.