Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
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Beware of the dog..
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
A recipe for laughter
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
RT if you could go either way.
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Yoga Matt
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
Yup….perfect score!
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
lmfao
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server