Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

my name if I was in the mob

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.