Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
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[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.